


Take Care

by Jacque_le_Prince



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Ableism, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair, Anxiety Disorder, Canon Bisexual Character, Canonical Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Depression, F/M, Frontotemporal Dementia, Mental Health Issues, Minor Original Character(s), Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Recovery, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Discovery, Slice of Life, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, sonia is best momfriend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-29 10:05:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7680214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacque_le_Prince/pseuds/Jacque_le_Prince
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I know you've been hurt by someone else.<br/>I can tell by the way you carry yourself.<br/>If you let me, here's what I'll do.<br/>I'll take care of you.<br/>I've loved and I've lost."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Lately, I've been itching to do stories with mentally ill and/or traumatized characters that don't depict them as scary or antagonistic, but also doesn't depict them as being without fault. That, and Tumblr's mindset that mentally ill and/or traumatized people can't be in relationships without being abusive drives me up the wall. So I figured that the best characters to work with would be the DR characters since their personal issues are usually played for laughs (ex. Akane canonically said she had been felt up by her mother's drunk boyfriends). Although this story primarily focuses on only two characters, I hope that I depicted all of the DR characters correctly since I'm not very experienced with writing characters that are not my own.  
> A few things to note:  
> -This is based on Weeby Newz's character analysis videos of Nagito and Mikan.  
> -I have only seen playthroughs of DR and SDR2. I have not seen any games ahead of that or read the manga.  
> -This is the first story I've ever written that is actually set in Japan. However, I'll be writing it the same way DR was translated in English (ex. no honorifics, no "first name/last name" basis, no military time, etc.).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new neighbor catches Mikan's eye.

"You need a man who can support you financially."

"You need a strong man."

"You need a man who isn't afraid of anything."

"You need a man to protect you."

These were the things I had overheard girls tell each other all of the time. That hasn't changed since school, because those statements still follow in my adult life. Mahiru was the main culprit of this. She would often push her beliefs on our male peers as well. I didn't agree with these ideals, but I didn't dare say anything about it, especially with Hiyoko constantly at her side. The blonde only reached 5'0, but she always knew how to scare me. Her insults dug deep into me, and pushed me to the point of tears. Back in high school, I definitely would have cried and apologized to her for being a nuisance, but after years of treatment, I've been able to take her insults with nothing but a whimper. It sounds pitiful to most, but to me, it was great progress. Even when I did come home to cry into my pillow, it was still progress.

Regardless of Hiyoko's teasing, I told myself that I liked her because she was a part of our friendship circle, which consisted of her, Mahiru, Ibuki, and myself.

Ibuki was the first friend I had ever made since she was so cheerful and friendly. Her hyperactive personality intimidated me at first and it got some getting used to, but Dr. Aiko said that I should give people like her a chance. Even if she hadn't told me that, I would have pursued her friendship, anyway. Along with her came Ibuki's friend, Mahiru, and Mahiru's friend, Hiyoko.

"Rise n' shine! Rise n' shine!"

I shrieked at the sudden burst of sound, accompanied by the blisteringly white sunlight pouring into my room. By instinct, I ducked and covered my head with my pillow, awaiting some form of attack, but it never came.

"Come on, Mimi! We're gonna be late!"

I carefully lifted my head up when I recognized the voice as Ibuki. She was standing beside my bed, fully dressed in her typical day clothes, which normally wouldn't be seen as "typical" by others.

"Ah! Ibuki? How did you get in here?" I squeaked.

"I jimmied the lock."

"Again?!"

"Well I wouldn't dare _break_ the lock!" she declared, puffing out her chest with a delighted grin on her face.

"Uh-h…what will we be late for, exactly?" I asked.

"The block party, duh!"

I looked at the clock on my nightstand, which read "9:17 A.M."

"B-But the party doesn't start until…3:30," I told her.

A disappointed expression crossed her features "Aw man, really?"

A sinking feeling rested in my gut. I didn't like bringing people bad news, no matter how small "Unfortunately," I murmured.

"Ah well," waved off Ibuki "I think I'll hit up McDonald's. They have all-day breakfast now, y'know?"

I sat up in bed "You're going to stay at McDonald's f-for six hours?"

Ibuki shrugged "Maybe. I didn't plan that far ahead yet," she then made her way out of my room "Bye Mikan!"

I listened to her exit my house and close the front door behind her. It was always so strange having a home so quiet, so peaceful. It was nice.

I lied back down in my bed.

The knot of fear that always settled in my stomach tightened. I would have to go out today. Even though I liked socializing, I always have this lingering fear that I might make someone angry with me, and that they'll end up hurting me. Dr. Aiko said it would be good for me to go to a social event close to home like this so I could overcome that fear. I hope that she's right. I don't want to revert back to that girl who would cry in public and make a scene.

" _I'm going to live a normal, happy life_ ," I thought as I held the second pill in my hand. I had already taken one, but my dosage required two " _And…it's going to be great!_ "

After finishing my morning routine, I pondered what I would do for the next six hours. I considered going online, but sometimes the hateful comments and bitter conflicts triggered me. It would be safer for me to watch television. At least the conflicts on that screen were fictional.

* * *

"What kind of shows do you like to watch, Mikan?"

A friendly-looking woman sat across from Mikan. She had a mixture of Asian and ebonic features with fair brown skin to match. Her wavy black hair was held in a simple ponytail, and her bespectacled almond eyes fluttered between the notebook in her hands and the patient before her.

Mikan had been picky in choosing her therapists. Out of all of the ones that could accommodate her needs, she chose the one that seemed the least intimidating to her.

"Oh…mostly older sitcoms," Mikan answered "Like M-Magnolia Girls and-d The Maid."

Dr. Aiko nodded with a polite smile "My mother and I like to watch those shows together sometimes," she said "I'm surprised you didn't say you liked to watch medical shows."

Mikan softly scratched at her cheek, a nervous habit of hers "Surprisingly e-enough, shows like that d-don't entertain me…"

"Oh?"

"Yes…" Mikan confirmed "I work as a nurse…but it's not something I'm passionate about."

Dr. Aiko's pen moved across her notepad "Understandable," she said "Then may I ask what you are passionate about?"

Mikan swallowed, trembling a bit "I-I…I don't know…"

The therapist gave a motherly smile "That's alright, Mikan. It's okay not to know yet," she said "Nursing may not be your passion, but it's something you do so well, and for that, you should be proud."

Red flushed to the pale woman's cheeks as an unsure smile crossed her lips "Th-Thank you, Dr. Aiko…that's the nicest thing anyone h-has ever said to me," she uttered.

The therapist nodded, studying Mikan's disposition "Only twenty-six and you already have such a nice job," she said "Do you have any thoughts on other things in adulthood like marriage? Perhaps even children?"

Mikan's orchid eyes widened "I…I never even thought of m-m-marriage," she squeaked "I mean, I've always w-wanted someone to love m-me, but…I don't think it's possible…"

And then Dr. Aiko declared a phrase that had now become hackneyed in that office space: "Anything is possible, Mikan. You just have to believe."

* * *

The residents of Jabberwock street were a close-knit bunch. We were part of the generation of young adults who moved into the East side of Yokoyama after graduating from college and searching for residency. As a result, most of us had known one another for years. That's why having a block party such as this one was normal.

It was summer, so I put on a pair of lilac high-waisted jean shorts, a light pink blouse, and pink sneakers. As always, I pinned my hair up in a bun to hide the uneven lengths of it all. I double-checked my purse to make sure it still had everything I needed. Even though I would only be a brisk walk away from my house, it was nice to be prepared.

I could hear the people gathering outside and setting things up. When I opened my window, the scent of Teruteru's dishes wafted into my house. I had forgotten how hungry I was.

" _I suppose now would be a good time to join in,_ " I thought to myself.

I closed the window back down and moved to the front door. I could feel the warm embrace of the afternoon heat as I passed the threshold of the door. The subtle taste of grass and humidity wasn't very pleasant compared to the crisp, air-conditioned atmosphere of my house, but it was hardly a bother.

Already, I could see people flooding the streets. Some sat in sun chairs chairs while some stood by the tables of food. I could pick out a few faces amongst the crowd. Akane and Aoi were scarfing down their own platefuls of food. Though, the volume of Aoi's plate consisted mainly of donuts and other sweets. Gundham smiled in pride as Chihiro coddled his hamsters like newborn babies. Yasuhiro could be seen waving his fingers around a crystal ball before Peko, probably trying to predict her future.

"Hey, Mikan!"

I turned my gaze to see Mahiru in the distant. Judging by the group of people huddled in front of her, I assumed that she had been taking a group picture for them.

I made my way to her "Mahiru, hi!" I greeted.

"Isn't this party amazing?" asked the redhead.

"It s-seems everyone is having a good time," I said "And it's the perfect w-weather for a block party, too."

"Yeah," agreed Mahiru as she looked out at the street around us "So what have you been up to?"

"Well…"

"Mahiru!"

Hiyoko's voice severed my words, leaving them sliding back into my throat.

The blonde hurried to us, her sandals making hard clicks on the street as the sleeves of her orange kimono flapped in the wind.

Mahiru embraced her open arms in a tight hug. I smiled at the sight. I liked seeing people get along.

"You're still in your kimono?" questioned Mahiru "Don't tell me you forgot how to tie it after all these years."

Hiyoko pouted "Pfft, no! I just got back from a show!"

"Huh? You mean you didn't even have time to change?" asked Mahiru.

"Aren't you tired?" I questioned.

"Nah, I'm not a lazy cow like you, Mikan!" teased Hiyoko.

I bit my lip and fought back the tears that wanted to spring. As usual, Mahiru didn't say anything in regards to the remark, so I did my best not to make anything of it.

Our conversation went on like that. Whenever the opportunity would arise, I would bring up a conversation topic that I had rehearsed in the shower that morning. Though, most times, Hiyoko would just shoot them down. We worried about Ibuki's whereabouts, especially after an entire hour had passed. Her appearance was very sudden, especially since the sun had already begun setting by then.

"Hey guys!" Ibuki greeted.

Mahiru placed her hands on her hips "There you are! Where have you been?"

"Were you still at McDonald's…?" I asked.

"Don't be stupid, Mikan!" snorted Hiyoko "Why would she be at a dump like McDonald's? Only a pig like you would be caught there."

"I _did_ go to McDonald's this morning," defended Ibuki "But that's not where I was all day. I was here with Byakuya since this party started."

"This _whole_ time?" questioned Hiyoko.

"Well not really. Just now, I was chatting it up with the new neighbor," she then pointed with both of her hands over to the side in a fashion not unlike a TV show host.

The three of us looked in that direction.

Towards the end of the street was a young man around our age if not younger. He had tousled off-white hair that seemed to go in all directions. Despite being the summertime, he wore a medium-length forest green jacket over a white shirt, black skinny jeans, and grey sneakers. His defined olive green eyes and heart chin gave him a somewhat feminine look.

He was unaware of our stares, as he was busy drinking from a plastic cup and looking elsewhere.

Suddenly, Mahiru scoffed "Ugh, it's that creep!"

"Creep?" repeated Hiyoko, pursing her lips in curiosity.

Mahiru frowned like a scolding mother "Ibuki, why would you talk to someone like him?"

The perky girl gave a guilty smile as she pressed her fingers together "Ehh, he's a little strange, but nothing's wrong with talking to him."

Mahiru's eyes widened " _Everything_ is wrong with talking to him. In fact, everything is wrong with him!" she criticized.

"Uh…if you don't m-mind me asking, could you…clarify?" I asked.

"Haven't you heard?" questioned the redhead "When Hajime met him, he found out that the guy has some kind of twisted obsession with luck. He considers himself to be the luckiest man in existence. He told Hajime that he would be okay with any horrible situation because it would "be a foundation for hope to bloom"."

"Oh…" I uttered "Well, that's a pretty optimistic w-way to see things."

"It _would_ be if it wasn't taken as far as this," said Mahiru "But Hajime said he meant situations like death and disaster. He's literally okay with others being hurt because he thinks it will be followed by a good event!"

"Geez, sounds like a total nutcase," Hiyoko chortled "Someone that naive must be psycho if not downright stupid."

Ibuki probably made a witty remark at this, but I wasn't listening. I looked at the man in curiosity. I'm not sure that I can say Mahiru's description was what drew me to him. I guess it could be called…a sense of deja vu. Seeing him casually standing while a person told me about his problems rang familiarity in me. I knew this hadn't happened to me before, but I couldn't help feeling that it had.

"Mikan, where are you going?" asked Mahiru.

"I-I'm, uh, going to get some fruit salad," I lied.

With that, they let me go without any more questioning.

I could feel my heart pounding as I made my way towards the man's direction. In my mind, I rehearsed the introductions that I always had planned for when I meet new people. I hoped that my stutter wouldn't annoy him.

"" _Hi, my name is"—no, that's too forward. I need to give a reason to approach him before I give him my name. "Hi, I noticed you from"—no, he'll think I'm a stalker. "Hi, my friend told me"—no, then he'll expect me to tell him what I know, and all I know is what Mahiru told me. I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him what she said!_ "

Before I realized it, the man and I were standing before each other.

"Well hello there. My name's Nagito," the man casually greeted.

His smile was bright and cheerful. I almost couldn't believe such an expression was being directed my way.

"Sorry, was I too forward? I know I can be a bit direct," he said.

I hadn't even realized that I had paused "N-no, it's okay. I was being rude by not replying," I reassured "I'm Mikan."

"Well it's nice to meet you, Mikan," chirped Nagito "It sure turned out to be a lovely evening, huh?"

I looked around us, just now noticing the wondrous violet the sky had turned. The horizon behind Nagito remained pink from the setting sun.

"You're r-right. It really is beautiful…!" I agreed.

"That's why I moved to a more rural area like this. You can see more stars without the flashy city lights," he continued "On nights like this, I love to just take a walk through the neighborhood."

"W-Walk through the neighborhood? A-At night?" I echoed "Isn't that…dangerous?"

"Yep," said Nagito "In fact, one time I was kidnapped while walking down the street."

I gasped in horror "R-Really…?!"

Regardless, Nagito only seemed slightly discouraged at the memory "But it's okay. I found a lottery ticket in the bag he kept me in. So when I escaped, I became rich!"

"Still…th-that's so scary…" I worried.

"I'll admit, I was scared at the moment," said Nagito "But that's just how my luck cycle works. A miracle always succeeds a disaster. And that's why no matter what life throws at me, I know not to be afraid, because I have luck on my side."

"Wow that's so…brave. I couldn't imagine m-myself surviving something like that," I admired "I'm s-so glad you made it out safely, Nagito…"

"Why thank you, Mikan," he said "I'm glad my luck worked out and allowed me to see all these lovely people here tonight."

We talked all night. It felt so natural speaking to Nagito that it bordered surrealism. I didn't feel judged or fear his responses. I didn't have to calculate exactly what I should say to please him. I was sure I was dreaming.

Eventually, nearly everyone had taken back their sun chairs and returned to their homes. Sakura, Nekomaru, and other hefty neighbors helped put away the tables that once held Teruteru's food.

I checked my watch, and let out a gasp.

"Is something wrong?" asked Nagito.

It was well past the time for my nightly dosage of medicine. I was supposed to take it two hours ago "I-I just…I'm just surprised by how late it is," I said "I have to go t-to work tomorrow."

"Oh, I guess time just slipped away from us," he said "It was nice meeting you, Mikan. I hope we can see each other again soon."

"Really?—I mean, I hope so, too!" I corrected.

As I started to walk away, Nagito gave one last "Goodnight, Mikan," to which I replied with a "Goodnight!" of my own.

I went home, took a brief shower, took my medicine, and went to bed. I could feel a smile resting on my cheeks even as I fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's curious, no, the characters in the story don't wear the same outfit 24/7 like they do in the games, especially since they're aged up. I'd like to imagine they're wearing the outfits/hairstyles that I've seen in those Tumblr sprite edits (FashionRonpa for example).

When I woke up the next morning, I cried because I remembered Hiyoko's insults from the previous day. I didn't get the tears out when I got home last night like I usually do, so they had been bottled up the entire night until I next woke up. I couldn't complain. I had a nice sleep without any nightmares, fitful tossing and turning, or spontaneous childhood fear of things that go bump in the night. It was also best to get these tears out now in the privacy of my own home before I went on to work.

I walked to the train station and took the nine-thirty train to Hope's Peak hospital. It was early in the morning, so not many cars were in the parking lot. It was rare that people would discover an ailment at this sleepy time. Though, the same couldn't be said for the patients who stayed overnight.

Two nights ago, a young girl had a seizure in school. We kept her around to do some extra testing on her. Her father was very persistent in staying with her to keep her company. He even slept in the stiff chair late at night.

None of that was really my business, though. I was just the nurse. All I was supposed to do was check her vitals and give her her meals. Everything else was up to the doctor. I didn't mind. I liked the small amount of time I got to spend with the patients. I loved caring for them, and I loved their appreciation for my care. Knowing that someone enjoys my presence is one of the most rewarding feelings I've ever experienced.

I was eating lunch in the cafeteria at my usual spot by the window. The chatter of other doctors and nurses on their lunch break echoed in the spacious room. The aromas of their meals mingled together in a less than appetizing manner, but that didn't stop me from enjoying my own meal.

Suddenly, a woman sat down in the chair across from me.

"I tell you, these patients can be so ungrateful," griped Mariam.

Mariam was a nurse who acted as my mentor when I first applied here. Although I knew more about nursing than most people in this hospital, she acted more as a social mentor. She taught me about how to interact with patients, their loved ones, the other workers, and little tricks on how to make the job easier.

She was a beautiful Egyptian woman with dark chocolate skin, brown bespectacled eyes, and micro braids. She was tall and slender; even her blue scrubs looked good on her figure. I admired her.

"I haven't had a-any trouble with any patients," I told her.

"Lucky you," said Mariam as she unzipped her lunchbox "They must really like you."

Flattery rose to my cheeks "Hehe, y-you think so?"

"Definitely," Mariam confirmed "Wish I was in your shoes."

"Well, d-don't take the patients' rudeness personally," I tried to reassure "They're probably in a lot of pain and want to take their frustrations o-out on something."

Mariam snorted "Still doesn't excuse it."

"I-I'm sorry," I fumbled "I d-didn't mean to sound like I was defending them."

Mariam sighed "I know, Mikan, I know," she said.

* * *

Dr. Aiko tapped her pen against her ring finger "Mariam sounds like a good friend," she noted "Have you ever considered hanging out with her?"

"Huh?" said Mikan "I-I don't know. I like talking to her at work, but…I'm not sure she would like seeing me anywhere else."

Dr. Aiko lifted her gaze "Do you think you're afraid she'll dislike you in your natural state?"

Mikan bit her lip, her violet eyes full of worry as they pointed to her lap.

"It's okay to feel nervous about seeing your coworkers outside of your workspace," consoled the therapist "But I'm sure Mariam doesn't just like you because you're a nurse."

The pale-skinned woman apprehensively spoke up "Wh-what if she doesn't like me…for who I am outside of work?"

"Then she's not worth calling a friend."

* * *

On my way home walking from the train station, I came across a peculiar sight.

Kazuichi and Yasuhiro were talking to one another, but both of them were looking at something in the distance. Based on their bemused expressions, I figured whatever they were staring at was the topic of their discussion.

When I followed their gaze, I saw Nagito staggering about his driveway in a slightly crouched position.

My interest piqued, I approached Yasuhiro and Kazuichi "U-um, what's going on?"

Luckily, neither men were too preoccupied by Nagito to give me their attention.

The curly-haired man was the first one to speak "I'm not entirely sure. We were on our way to the movies when we saw that new guy just wandering around his house."

Kazuichi anxiously scratched at his ear with a frown "Man, Hajime said he was a nut job, but I didn't think it was this bad," he said "The guy's been muttering to himself like that for ten minutes now."

I grew worried by that description "Wh-What is he muttering?" I asked.

The cherry-haired male shrugged "Probably gibberish. I mean, the guy is off his rocker."

"I'll admit, I'm curious to know how this is gonna end," Yasuhiro's face paled slightly "But I'm a little afraid of being out here with him."

"Yeah, we can't stay out here that long anyway," agreed Kazuichi "We've got a movie to catch," he then started to walk down the street, leading Yasuhiro with him "Bye, Mikan."

"Later," signed off the other male.

"Goodbye, h-have fun," I told them as they left. I then turned back around.

My house was just across the street.

Nagito was just three houses ahead of me.

" _I should…at least check to see if he's alright_ ," I thought.

I walked over to the cream-haired man, who was now crouching beside one of the bushes lining his home. He seemed to be too focused on his activity to see that I was standing right behind him.

I could vaguely hear that he was muttering something in English. It sounded strange with his native accent on it, but there was a definite melody.

"Uh…N-Nagito?"

The man turned around and pointed his olive green gaze at me, seemingly surprised by my presence.

My body clenched in defensiveness "I-I'm so sorry for scaring you. I just—just wanted to know what you were doing. I'm really sorry for interrupting…"

"Oh no, it's okay. No need to apologize to me," Nagito said as he stood back up "I was just looking for my pet rabbit, Monomi."

"Your…pet rabbit?" I repeated.

"Yeah, she ran out the door when I left to get the mail. Just my luck," explained Nagito "I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up getting eaten by a stray dog."

The statement rattled me "D-Don't think like that…!" I stammered.

"Well, it's possible," commented Nagito.

"But i-it's so morbid…!" I objected.

I must have looked visibly frightened, because Nagito gave a nervous chuckle and said "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you or anything," he then looked around himself "Well, in the case that the worst doesn't happen, I should keep looking. There is always a chance she'll turn up safe and sound, too."

The cream-haired male walked further towards the side of his house. I watched him saunter around the small area for a few minutes before I decided to follow him.

Again, he looked at me in slight bemusement.

"U-Um…would you mind if I try to find her too?"

Nagito's eyes widened "Huh? You would help someone like me?"

I couldn't help but find the surprise in his eyes cute "Of course," I affirmed.

Nagito told me that Monomi was a white rabbit with a pink collar that had tiny angel wings on it. Based on that description alone, I assumed Monomi would be easy to find. But that didn't change the fact that she was still a rabbit, a rabbit who would skitter away at slightest sound. So the process of finding her had to be slow and patient. Eventually, we had searched the entire area around Nagito's house, but had come up with nothing.

"She probably ran across the street while we were looking," Nagito said when we reunited in the front lawn "I know she wouldn't go far, but it's clear that she's not here. You don't have to keep looking. I'll take it from here, but I appreciate you helping me anyway."

"But wait I…" I paused, not even sure where the beginning of that sentence was going "Please l-let me keep looking," I chose to say instead "I really want to h-help find her."

Nagito's brows raised a bit in what I could only call surprise "Are you sure you would want to keep helping someone like me? I'm really not worth wasting any time over."

"Yes," I then hurried to correct myself after realizing the way my answer sounded "I mean, n-not that I'd be wasting time! I-I'd love to help you, Nagito…"

The cream-haired man hesitated, and for a second, I feared that I had angered or disgusted him, but his response told me otherwise "To have someone extend so much kindness to me," a smile pushed up his cheeks "I must truly be a lucky man! Thank you, Mikan."

His smile gave me warmth in my chest.

Happiness.

Yes, that was the feeling.

"Sure thing!" I giggled "I was thinking that perhaps w-we could ask Gundam for help."

Nagito raised a brow "Who?"

"O-Oh right, you're new to the neighborhood," I turned and pointed at a large house farther down the street "He lives just o-over there with Sonia. He's very good with animals."

Nagito studied the home "Hm, so that's who lives there," he said as if I had just solved a great mystery.

Many people had that reaction, though. Next to Celestia, Sonia had the largest house in the neighborhood. It was at least twice the size of any house on the block. It was a creamy yellow color with deep magenta roofs. Leaves and roots were free to grow across the house and added a colorful splash of life to the structure.

Despite the regal appearance of it all, the front door simply stood on the end of the cobble stone walkway leading from the sidewalk, beckoning every and anyone to come by.

I rang the pearly white doorbell as Nagito stepped up onto the porch with me. After a few seconds of muffled footsteps, the door opened to a cheery, bright-eyed blonde.

"Ah, Mikan! So nice to see you," Sonia greeted.

"It's n-nice to see you, too, Sonia," I chirped.

Beside me, Nagito said "Hello there, Sonia. My name's Nagito."

In that moment, I could see the light in Sonia's eyes fade when she noticed Nagito, but she still made the effort to keep her polite and welcoming disposition.

"I really h-hope I'm not inconveniencing you or anything…but I was hoping Gundam could help u-us with something…?" I asked.

"Oh? Gundam?" the blonde questioned with a curious look.

"Yes…you see, N-Nagito's rabbit got lost. I just wondered, since Gundam is so good with animals…" I nervously tapped my fingers together. Asking for help always made me uncomfortable. There was always a lingering fear that I would be cruelly declined.

"That's definitely something Gundam could handle," assured Sonia with confidence illuminating her eyes again "I'll go get him right away. Oh! But would you like something to drink while you're here?"

I found myself surprised when both Nagito and I said "No thank you," in almost perfect sync. From the look on his face, he was surprised, too.

Sonia laughed at the coincidence and invited us inside so we wouldn't have to stand outside waiting.

Nagito and I sat in the lounge while the blonde hurried off to get Gundam for us. Like the outside of the house, the interior was both humble yet regal in appearance. Even though Sonia was from royalty, she was somewhat down to earth, and that showed in her decor. Combined with Gundam's ideal image of a "Tanaka Empire", the two create a lovely aesthetic.

The decor became my primary focus in those silent minutes between Nagito and I.

Nervousness was an emotion I had become well acquainted with over the years, and something I wished to detach myself from. However, this was not the same nervousness that plagued me for years. There were butterflies in my stomach rather than a tight knot. My heart thumped against my chest, but not in fear. I didn't recognize this feeling at all. It was completely foreign to me.

"Say Mikan, do you have a pet?" asked Nagito.

"No…"

"Oh."

The awkward silence continued after that small exchange. The next spoken words came from neither of us.

"You have requested my services?"

Gundam entered the room with a professional stance with Sonia at his side with an encouraging smile.

"Yes, you must be Gundam," Nagito greeted as he stood up from his chair "It's great to meet you."

"As to you, Nagito," replied Gundam as he extended his hand to shake the male's "My wife has informed me that your beloved companion has gone astray."

Nagito chuckled "My rabbit? Yes. She ran out the door when I was getting the mail. I saw her run around the house, but we couldn't find her there."

Gundam smiled "You have consulted the right person."

* * *

In contrast to the painstaking, long search Nagito and I did, Gundam returned with Monomi in his arms within what felt like seconds.

Sonia sat down in the lounge with us to fill the empty silence while Gundam was gone, but our conversation was cut short when her husband entered the room with the white rabbit in his arms.

"You found her!" Nagito beamed with open arms.

The dark-haired man gave a smug smile "Naturally," he said as he handed Nagito the rabbit.

"Thank you so much for going to this trouble for me," Nagito said "Mikan wasn't kidding when she said you were good with animals. How did you find her so fast?"

"Well, when you told me the characteristics of your companion, I had already began composing several tactics to attract her to the backyard," explained Gundam "Thankfully, the first tactic was the one that succeeded."

"And what was that?" curiously asked Nagito.

Gundam then reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a small pink trinket with three holes in it "My specially hand-crafted rodent-summoning ocarina."

Beside me, Sonia worriedly inclined her head "Gundam, honey, did any rodents _other_ than Nagito's rabbit come to the backyard?"

At that, Gundam's prideful aura seem to falter "Ah, well…" he looked off to the side and tugged at his purple fashion scarf "…perhaps more than I had intended."

"That makes sense. Monomi responds strongly to anything resembling music," said Nagito as he pet the ivory ball of fluff.

I started to speak up "Is that why…" but the rest of my sentence got lost somewhere in my throat as I lost confidence.

We all said our last goodbyes of the evening and Nagito and I left Sonia's home. Without the couple, we had gone back to awkward silence between us.

"S-She really is cute," I noted "Monomi, I-I mean."

"Thank you," said Nagito with that same lovely smile.

We were getting closer to my house. It would only be a few minutes before we would have to go our separate ways.

"Hey…Nagito?"

"Hm?"

"Y-You said Monomi really likes music. Is that why earlier…you…?" Again, the words got lost in my throat. I didn't feel like asking the question anymore, but Nagito was already looking at me in curiosity.

"Oh, you heard me singing?" he then gave a coy chuckle "Hehe, it's kinda embarrassing, but yeah. I was hoping Monomi would recognize my voice since I've been humming that song a lot, lately."

"Really? What is i-it?"

Nagito shrugged "Just an English song I heard on TV recently. It was called "Like a Star". A woman named Corrine Baily Rae sings it," he explained.

My house was almost right in front of us. Just a few more steps and I would have to leave.

"You know, you've really helped me a lot today, not just with Monomi, but also with getting friendly with the neighbors," Nagito said "Would you like to keep in contact?"

"K-Keep in contact?" I gasped "You mean…e-exchange numbers?"

"Yup, the way I am, it's best for me to have a friend who can help me out when I'm in a pinch," he joked "I understand if you don't want to, though. We pretty much just met."

"N-No, I'd love to…!" I squeaked, immediately embarrassed by my overly enthusiastic response "I-I mean…this could be a chance to get to know each other better, you know?"

Nagito nodded "Yeah. I think that's perfect."

In that moment, something seemed to change about his smile.

There was a familiar warmth in his eyes.

Happiness.

Yes, that was the feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mariam Nabih is a direct expy of Mira Nygus from Soul Eater since she's a nurse character, too.  
> As you can tell, writing Gundam's dialogue isn't the easiest for me. I can't guarantee he, and the other DR characters, will play major roles in the story, but I'm pretty sure everyone from both games will appear at least once.  
> By the way, "Like a Star" is a real song and I highly recommend you listening to it. It's beautiful!


	3. Chapter 3

Today, the girl who had the seizure would be going home. I sneaked a glance in the room to see the relief and joy in her eyes. She was a strong little girl to have gone through such a scary thing. I was proud of her.

I came in later that day, long after she was sent home, to clean up the room for future patients. While I was cleaning up, I picked up a white blanket tangled up in the chair. It was one of the many blankets I would wrap around the father at night when he fell asleep in that chair. Even though he often wore a coat and didn't have any complaints about the sterile, cold air of the hospital, I still felt that someone who was willing to sit in that rigid chair deserved that comfort.

It was a lazy day at Hope's Peak hospital. Mariam didn't have to work that day, so I had no one to talk to. The idea of reaching out to my other coworkers for company intimidated me. I didn't exactly feel like putting myself through the stress that comes with breaking the ice with someone, so I decided to just keep to myself that day.

As a result of my uneventful day, I found myself pretty happy to hear Ibuki's ringtone when I left work.

"Hello…?"

" _Mikan, hey! You're not at work, are you?_ "

"Not a-anymore."

" _Great! Meet us at the Watari Bar_."

"Huh? W-wait, what do you mean "us"?"

" _Y'know, Mahiru, Hiyoko, and me, of course!_ "

"Oh, u-um, okay. I'll come right over."

"Perfect. See ya soon!"

We both hung up as I made my way to the train station as usual. Even with the train ride, it would still be quite a walk from the stop to the bar. Moments like these made me wonder what it would be like to have a car. I know the western countries use them much more often than us. I almost had a hard time imagining it. The only people I saw driving cars here in Japan were wealthy people or celebrities. Sure, some average, middle-class people had cars, but that was rare. Nearly everyone either walked or took public transportation.

The thin, gold characters spelling "Watari" crowned the modest bar. I had been here before, so the thick atmosphere of liquor, people, and noise wasn't new to me. Amongst all of the activity, I could hear the familiar voice of Ibuki calling out my name.

I spotted her, Mahiru, and Hiyoko sitting in a booth near the center of the bar.

I smiled at Ibuki's waving hand, and made my way over to her.

About halfway to the booth, my hip accidentally bumped up against a man's chair. It wasn't just a small knock against the chair, either. It was enough to slightly jolt the man in his chair.

He turned to look at me in an offended manner, and I could feel my face heat up in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, I-I'm sorry! Please forgive me!" I pleaded, giving a slight bow.

The man gave an annoyed huff and returned to his meal.

" _He hates me now_ ," flashed through my mind as I turned away from him.

* * *

"Well that was just a rude stranger," said Dr. Aiko "Someone who couldn't accept an apology for a simple mistake isn't worth feeling upset over."

"I-I suppose…" Mikan murmured "I still...feel like it was my fault, though. Even when I know it doesn't make sense, I still feel guilty."

The therapist placed her hands in her lap "I think this goes back to what we talked about a few months ago: that you feel like everyone hates you because of the treatment you received at home."

Mikan's lips pressed together into an uncomfortable line. She didn't speak, so Dr. Aiko spoke for her.

"Mikan, I know it's conflicting when your feelings go against your sense of logic," she said "Emotions are complicated like that. It doesn't make you irrational."

Mikan chewed on the last word. " _Irrational_ ". Many people found her sensitivity strange, but she knew only one person who used that word to express it.

* * *

"You're being irrational, Mikan. That man doesn't care about you," said Mahiru.

The redhead's critical statement did nothing to console me. If anything, I just felt more degraded.

"I know…" I whined "I'm sorry…"

Hiyoko groaned "Geez, way to put a damper on our night out, Mikan."

I repeated my apology, but it didn't seem to help any.

"Guys, chill! We're here to get wasted, not complain," encouraged Ibuki.

Mahiru chuckled "If I recall, you were the only one who made that claim," she said "Though, a glass of wine would be nice."

"I'll take anything that's sweet and fruity," chimed in Hiyoko.

Contrary to what people thought, I was someone who could hold my liquor. I never drank out of sorrow or escapism like some people would assume. I just drank whenever I had the taste for it. Though, I had to be careful about when and what kind of liquor I drank because of my prescription medications.

As the hours passed, the contents of our glasses shrank, some faster than others. We generally talked about our jobs since the Mahiru jumpstarted the conversation with a comment about her day at work.

She was a photographer, one of the best in Yokoyama. She primarily took photos of families and children. She was even hired by some schools to take photos of their sports teams and events. However, she claimed that she's been getting a lot of requests to photograph swimsuit and underwear models lately.

"I'm just not comfortable taking pictures of half-naked women," she stated.

Ibuki gave her own two cents about troubles in her career. She's a musician with a very unique style of music. The best way to describe it would be "strange". This often leads Ibuki to two problems: the lack of musicians willing to work with her, and a less than savory fanbase.

"Every time I do a concert, the only people in my audience are creepy hipster guys," she complained with a disgusted frown "Y'know, the kinda guys that live in their mom's basement trolling people on the internet all day and making up conspiracy theories."

"That's really surprising to hear from you, Ibuki," said Mahiru, genuine surprise in her eyes "I mean, you pretty much befriend any and everyone you meet."

Hiyoko snorted "Emphasis on "anyone" since Mikan is here."

I bit my lip and stirred the straw in my little drink.

"I know, but these guys are no fun!" whined Ibuki "They act like they're better than everyone for liking my music because it's not mainstream. How lame is that? If it were up to me, I'd have all kinds of people in my fanbase. I need diversity! A bag of gummy bears isn't good if they're all the same flavor!"

Hiyoko nodded at that last declaration "You got that right, Ibuki!"

I chuckled a bit at that little interaction.

That was probably the peak of the conversation that night. Everything else from then on felt pretty lazy. I found myself zoning out as if I were in class. I couldn't stay focused on the conversation. My daydreaming went unnoticed by the others, though.

The only thing that disrupted my thoughts was the chime of my cellphone.

It struck me as odd. I had very few contacts, and most of them were business numbers. The only person who ever reached out to me was Ibuki, who was sitting right next to me along with my other friends. On top of that, it was the generic default ringtone, which meant that it wasn't from anyone that close to me.

I checked my phone, too curious to postpone looking at the message for later.

 **Nagito:** _Hey, I found this new American bagel cafe. Would you like to come by?_

My heart skipped a beat.

" _Nagito…he texted me?_ " I stared at the screen in awe, just holding the cellphone in my hands.

Mahiru must have noticed, because I heard her ask "What's the matter, Mikan?"

I jumped a bit, "N-Nothing…!" I squeaked "I, uh, I just got a message from someone."

"Aw, do you have to go?" asked Ibuki, slight disappointment lacing her features.

She probably assumed that it was a call from the hospital, as this has happened to me before.

"U-Uhm, I…"

I hadn't considered leaving before, but once Ibuki brought that scenario to my head, I wondered if I should take Nagito up on his offer.

It felt risky. What if he turned me down? What if I was bothering him by coming?

" _But he was the one who invited me_."

That single thought silenced the others as I looked down at the text message.

"Actually…yes," I told Ibuki.

Her and Mahiru gave me their own concerned expressions.

"I-It's nothing bad. I just have to meet with someone," I told them "S-Sorry to leave so suddenly…"

"Don't apologize, Mikan," said Mahiru "You can't help having to meet someone."

"Yeah, and we had fun while you were here!" confirmed Ibuki.

"Th-Thanks everyone," I said.

I heard Hiyoko say something about how they'll have more fun with me gone, but I was too busy typing my message to Nagito to hear the entirety of her sentence.

 **Me:** _I'd love to. Could you tell me the name and address please?_

 **Nagito:** _Great American Bagel. It's on 154 Hideyori street._

I said my goodbyes to my friends and left the bar, my legs shaky from a combination of sitting down for so long and nervousness. Though, I was thankful that I had not bumped into anyone's chair this time.

I took a deep breath as I stepped outside.

The sun was just starting to set, leaving the sky a soft mixture of blue and pink. I couldn't help but admire its beauty as I walked to the address. Somehow, it made me feel more awake, but not alert. I felt energized without feeling the anxiety that usually came with it. It's funny how something as simple as the serenity found in the nice weather could make me feel this way. These moments were rare, but I enjoyed them.

Before I knew it, I was walking in front of the Great American Bagel.

Catchy music with English lyrics played generously through the speakers of the entrance.

I reached out and opened the door.

No one was inside except for the chattering employees behind the counter and…him.

I stepped up to Nagito, who was gazing out of the window at that same sunset that I had seen before he looked up and noticed me.

I smiled "Hey."

"Hi."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NicoB's "Komaeda loves bagels" headcanon is back, baby, and so am I (until the next time I get writer's block)!  
> I'm also back with news about my literature tumblr blog "princejacque". I know nobody likes self-promotion, but I have to be honest. I'm getting desperate. That blog is my number one way of promoting my stories and artwork, but the activity is absolutely dead. If any of you could just give me advice on how to improve it and get more followers, I would greatly appreciate it.


	4. Chapter 4

Nagito and I began meeting up more and more. Sometimes we would go out for a meal. Sometimes we would just take a walk somewhere peaceful like the park. I managed to make sure every place we went to wasn't too crowded. I didn't mind being around people, but crowds and closed off places with a lot of activity tend to stress me out and even drain my energy. Luckily, Nagito seemed to prefer more open, calm areas, too.

I really enjoyed talking to him. He was so insightful, he made even the smallest of things sound fanciful and full of purpose. But at the same time, he could also be funny. There were times that he made rather obvious or silly puns, but somehow, the obviousness made them funny. The expectant smile on his face afterwards probably had some influence, too.

Next to him, I worried that I didn't have anything interesting to say. I always felt that I was only a dull nurse, and nothing more. But Nagito pulled aspects from me that I didn't even know I had. Like when he complimented my outfit, it lead to a discussion about clothes, one that made me realize that my favorite colors were bubblegum pink and lilac. As silly as it sounds, tiny bits of self-discovery like that were so exciting to me. It was like finding a piece of a puzzle that gave you an idea of what the full picture could potentially be. "I'm Mikan Tsumiki, and I like ballerina figurines. I'm Mikan Tsumiki, and I can solve long math equations in my head. I'm Mikan Tsumiki, and my favorite gemstone is pink sapphire."

* * *

"That sounds wonderful, Mikan," Dr. Aiko complimented with a sincere smile as she wrote my story into her notepad "In a way, he really did bring out the best in you. Was it around this time that you started dating?"

The long-haired woman tapped her chin in thought "Uh well…it must have been a month later than that," she pondered "I-I remember because I had that discussion with him before that happened."

* * *

As Nagito and I walked, something weighed on my mind. I felt almost insensitive that I hadn't noticed this before, and when I became aware, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I looked up at Nagito's profile. It was friendly as always, even more warm and inviting over the setting sun beside us.

I looked down for a moment, gulping involuntarily. I was at war with myself. My fear wanted to keep my mouth shut, but some undistinguishable feeling was forcing the words up my throat.

"Uhm…Nagito…?" I addressed.

His unsuspecting "Hm? Yes?" made me feel even more hesitant. I felt as though someone was forcing me to stab him in the back.

"I, uh, couldn't help but notice something…" I continued "…a-about the way you refer to yourself."

"Oh?" replied Nagito in all sincerity.

That's when I knew there was no going back now. His ears were open to whatever I had to say.

"You…say some pretty mean things about yourself," I explained, still choosing to watch our feet as they carried us down the trail "You've e-even called yourself a "lowlife" once."

Nagito gave a soft shrug "Well, there's no use in denying it," he remarked "It's not something to be proud of, sure, but it is the truth."

"It's not, though…!" I argued, my voice squeaking a little as I held my balled up fist to my chest "What would ever make you feel that way?"

"I've been told by many people over the years," Nagito explained "Peers, coworkers, my mentors…No matter where I went, they all said the same thing."

I was shocked. I knew some of our neighbors thought Nagito to be eldritch and almost laughable, but I wouldn't even imagine so many others would think the same, especially not those close to Nagito.

"B-But why…?!" I blurted out "What about your friends and family? They couldn't have thought that you were worthless…right?"

My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach when I saw Nagito's normally content expression falter. A fire of guilt burned in my core, and I felt the need to apologize for prying and take back what I said.

"…I didn't have any friends. My family…" Nagito hesitated, then shook his head "As for why people say that I'm worthless, I can think of no reason other than that it must be true," the man reasoned.

"N-No, Nagito!" I stopped walking, practically trembling from the built up feelings coursing through my body.

The green-eyed male stopped, too. His unperturbed mask had fallen off in the place of bafflement. If I had thought there was no turning back before, I would have been really surprised now. However, this time, I had no intention of turning back.

"Why…why would you see yourself that way? Other people's lack of affection doesn't define your worth!"

I knew what to expect from an outburst like that. Some type of verbal lashing in return or something much worse. I knew it was cruel to expect that from Nagito, but it was just what I was used to. What I wasn't used to was the person before me blinking in puzzlement.

"…I don't…get what you're saying…?" Nagito said in an uncertain tone.

The lowered volume of his voice told me that I should do the same. I took a deep breath, feeling my chest heave beneath my clasped hands, before I spoke again.

"You don't understand…?" I carefully started "Is it because…you lacked companionship? I-Is it because you're not understood by others?"

Nagito didn't respond, but the somberness behind his eyes told me everything.

I close my own eyes, feeling them sting with fresh tears "I'm sorry; I really am…" I said "I know what it's like to be told that I'm worthless, and what it's like to actually believe it. But I've never known what it's like not to have someone there to…to comfort me."

When the first tear leaked, I closed my eyes even tighter, not wanting to let my emotions flub my words.

"It…it must have been so hard for you," I continued "And f-for that, my heart goes out to you, Nagito."

I didn't have the courage to look at his face and see his reaction, so I jumped when I felt warm arms around me. His arms.

"Mikan, I…thank you…"

I opened my eyes. The tears fell onto Nagito's coat. That's how I knew that it was real.

My arms moved up to wrap around his frame. It felt…just right.

When we separated from one another, I became worried when I saw the conflict in Nagito's face.

"D-Did I say something wrong?" I stuttered.

"No, not at all, just…" Nagito held his chin pensively "I'm not sure how to take all of this. Truth be told…I've never been told something like this…"

My instinct to apologize came in "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"No really, it's okay," he insisted "In fact, I really appreciate that you would say that to a someone as low—" he stopped himself, his eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights "I just need some time to think on it…"

"…Okay. I understand."

We continued our stroll, awkwardly shifting back into our normal conversations. I regretted making the atmosphere so weird. Despite what Nagito said, I feared that I had ended our friendship right then and there, but I didn't want to rock the boat any more by asking. I felt like enough drama had happened that day.

When I went home, I ate a nice big meal and lied down to rest my buzzing head.

Dr. Aiko said that I shouldn't fret over something I said to someone if that person told me that I hadn't offended them. Though, keeping my mind from running itself rampant wasn't easy, and Dr. Aiko knew it.

I pulled up my laptop and began to play one of those puzzle games she recommended to me. It worked well. The puzzles were colorful and pretty to look at, but they were also complex and required a lot of focus and patience. Even though they were meant to distract people from anxious thoughts, I wondered if someone like Chiaki would like them. She seemed like the kind of person to like games of all kinds.

It wasn't until my room was completely dark that I noticed the light blinking from my phone.

I paused my game and turned on my table lamp. I guessed that about three hours had passed while I was playing.

My phone didn't ring because I had it on silent. That meant that the blinking could mean either a text message or a call.

* * *

"So it's both."

Mikan blinked up at Nagito "Huh?"

The two sat at a table in the library. A stack of books was left behind by a previous visitor. Amongst one of those books was one full of paradoxes and riddles. The plum-haired woman had started reading that one first, keeping one finger between the pages in the back where the answers and explanations were. Nagito had returned to the table when she was reading the answer to Schrödinger's Cat.

"I…don't really understand the explanation," confessed Mikan.

Nagito rubbed his chin in contemplation "Hmm, if I could put it in a real life scenario…" he mused.

The young man then perked up and reached into his pocket. He pulled out his cellphone and set it between himself and Mikan.

"Remember when we set our phones to silent before we came here?" he asked.

Mikan nodded.

Nagito then picked up his phone so that it was eye level with the young woman "Let's say I get a notification. I don't hear anything, but the light blinks on the screen," he narrates "I have different ringtones for when I get an email, a call, or a text message, but without the sound on, I can't tell."

Mikan nodded again.

"I won't know which of the three notifications it will be until I open my phone and look," the man instinctively flipped his phone open as he talked "Until then, all three scenarios are possible."

Mikan's violet eyes beamed in realization "Oh! So the book isn't saying that the cat is physically dead and alive. It's saying that both possibilities are true," she spoke in an excited tone, but still kept her voice at a whisper.

Nagito smiled "Hehe, you got it!"

* * *

 **Nagi:** _Ive been thinking about what you said and youre right_

 **Nagi:** _Theres something I didnt tell you in the park. I meant to but with the way our conversation was going I was afraid Id scare you off_

 **Nagi:** _I have a cycle of good and bad luck. A miracle always follows a tragedy for me and vice versa. Its always been this way for me ever since I was young. The reason I have so much animosity is because of that bad luck._

 **Nagi:** _Even if I am a beacon for tragedy Im still a human. You made me realize that. In these past few weeks spending time with you I learned a lot about myself._

**Me:** _You did too! You helped me learn about who I am_

**Me:** _I'm so glad you understood what I said. I know what it's like to feel like a burden to others too! I don't know if that luck cycle just applies to you. Life kinda just works that way. Y'know, ups and downs; a rainbow always follows a storm._

There was a very long pause in the before I got a response.

 **Nagi:** _What you said at the park made me curious about something else_

 **Me:** _What is it?_

 **Nagi:** _Well do you believe what you said? Do you believe that peoples contempt for you doesnt define your worth?_

 **Me:** _Yes! Of course!_

 **Nagi:** _Then you should see your self worth too right?_

The phone dropped from my hands and onto the bed with a soft bounce after rereading that question millions of times in my mind.

Other people's lack of affection doesn't define your worth.

Those were the words that came out of my mouth. I had said that to Nagito but…did it really only apply to him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That scene was based off of Nagito and Mikan's final conversation before she gets executed. I changed the tone of it, though, because that conversation was condescending on Mikan's part because she was overcome with The Despair(TM) again after her memories returned. But the fact that Nagito, the one character who always had a confident answer to everything, was stunned to silence when she said that really shows that he's not used to any form of sympathy.


	5. Chapter 5

“I see,” nodded the therapist as she jotted down her notes “It seems very coincidental that you found such interest in a person like Nagito.”

Mikan gave a curious hum and perked up.

“What do you m-mean?” she asked.

“Well, based on what you’ve told me, Nagito had issues similar to yours when we first started,” explained Dr. Aiko “He had low self-esteem and was openly self-depreciating in a way that basically asked for help.”

Mikan’s lilac eyes drifted to the side, holding a bit of sadness at the memory.

“I-I’m afraid there were…more similarities between he and I,” she murmured.

“Oh?” questioned Dr. Aiko.

Mikan lifted her gaze up again “Remember w-when we discussed my…self-sabotaging behavior?”

* * *

When I first heard that Nagito couldn’t go on our date because he had been called into work, I was disappointed, but I understood.

When it happened again, I felt that it was just a fluke.

By the third time, I was convinced that Nagito no longer liked me. No, I was convinced that he never liked me in the first place. I thought that he probably only tolerated me so that I would give him my body. I suspected that he was just like _them_ , only kinder. He actually gave me the dignity of treating me like a human being.

I called him, but he never replied. I left voicemails that rambled on and often times got cut off when it reached the time limit. I left frantic short text messages of my fleeting worries, but it was an entirely one-sided conversation.

* * *

“Have you ever considered that it’s not your faults, but his own?”

I had told Mariam about my worries one day. I had gotten tired of setting my worries off to the side to let them fester in heat.

“Huh? What do you mean?” I asked her.

Mariam leaned forward in her chair, taking on a much more intrigued stance “Think about it; he’s ruining a perfectly good relationship. Why would he do that?”

“The only reason I could think of is that he hates me,” I murmured.

Mariam waved away the notion immediately “If he did, you two would’ve never gotten this far in the first place. Something else is stopping him,” she paused “I have to be honest with you, Mikan, I’m not a perfect being. When I was about to start my first relationship, I did the exact same thing Nagito is doing.”

“What? You?” I couldn’t hide my surprise.

Mariam nodded solemnly, then took a sip of her coffee.

“But why? Why would you do that to someone?” my tone was bordering accusation, but I didn’t mean it. It was just my own worry spilling into the conversation.

“It wasn’t that I was _trying_ to do something to them. In reality, what I was doing was pure self-sabotage,” said Mariam “I was scared of ruining our relationship. So I stopped pursuing it before it could even become a reality.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Self-sabotage was the exact thing I used to do when I was a high school student. I would purposely act clumsy and put myself in humiliating situations because I craved the attention. I would trip and fall in ridiculously lewd positions. I would crash into objects and self-pity my own clumsiness. I didn’t care that it was ruining my reputation with everyone.

Though, my self-sabotaging was different. I did it because I wanted recognition. Nagito and Mariam did it because they were afraid of recognition.

“Nagito is…afraid of me?” I questioned.

Mariam shook her head “No, he’s afraid of what you and him _could be_ ,” she said “Relationships are wonderful, but they can be scary when looked at from a different angle. Sharing that level of intimacy with someone can be intimidating. The possibility of growing old together and sharing a future is even more frightening. That’s where Nagito’s mind is. That’s where my mind was.”

The woman said this tapping the side of her head, her eyes carrying a subtle weight of guilt and regret. I wondered if she had ever gotten back with that person. I should have asked, but my concern at the moment was stuck on Nagito.

“So, w-what do I do?” I asked “How do I fix this?”

Mariam gave a brief sigh. I could tell I was frustrating her “There’s nothing to fix, Mikan. Just be patient. As long as he’s not being cruel to you, there’s no reason to fret.”

But those words meant nothing to my frazzled mind. The ball had already started rolling and it was picking up speed.

* * *

It was a restless summer day. The kind that made it too hot to laze about. The kind that itched at your skin if you remained still for too long. The kind that made contact with the soft bedsheets or couch feel unbearable.

I sat in front of the air conditioner, trying to get some peace of mind. My hair was tied up into two buns to keep it from sticking to my neck. My thick thighs and bust dripped with sweat, but my petite toes and lithe fingers felt frozen stiff. I couldn’t seem to find any comfort that day, physically or mentally. I felt like if I didn’t take some kind of action, or make some change, I would drift off into a limbo of misery.

I flinched when I heard a car door close. I glanced out of the window and saw Nagito stepping away from his car in the driveway. Back when he wasn’t living there, the only thing that filled that driveway was leaves and lawn debris from other neighboring houses.

Nagito seemed slightly caught off guard when his jacket had caught in the door. He had taken it off, revealing his pale arms, and probably planned to leave it in the driver’s seat.

I found myself getting to my feet and carrying myself to the front door, smoothly slipping on a pair of flip-flops as if I had rehearsed this.

“ _What am I doing? What am I doing?!_ ”

My mind begged for answers, but my body proceeded forward. I wasn’t marching with any sort of confidence, but I was still heading in Nagito’s direction. He was still unlocking his car door when I approached him, so he didn’t turn around and see me until I was right in front of his house.

His mouth opened slightly in alarm when he saw me. I began begging myself to turn around and abandon whatever mission I was on, but I wasn’t listening to myself.

“Mikan…?” There was a subtle question in Nagito’s tone, but I didn’t know whether to take that as genuine nativity or uneasiness.

“H-Hi, Nagito…” I said as I stepped up to him.

Now we were quiet. The two of us stood there in silence as birds chirped overhead and the distant sound of a training chugging deeper into town mocked us. It could have easily been two minutes before Nagito spoke up.

“It’s hot out here. Would you like to come inside?” he asked.

Despite myself, I blushed at the invitation. He had a point because the sun was beating down mercilessly on us, today, but still, my heart beat a little bit at the idea of entering his house.

“Y-Yes, please. Thank you…” I said.

I followed the man’s lead as he fiddled with his keys up the walkway. He opened the door for me and I stepped inside.

Nagito’s house was minimalistic. The lack of expression and decoration made the home more pristine and clean than it actually was. Though, it was admirably clean, too. It was even more maintained than my own home.

“You can sit wherever you’d like,” Nagito said as he closed the door behind us “I could give you something to drink or eat.”

In the end, we were both sitting at the kitchen table with bottles of water. The silence between us continued again. I couldn’t read Nagito’s mood. He didn’t seem displeased in anyway, but he was also nowhere near happy. He only gave a friendly smile when he offered me something. It was like we were strangers again.

“The summer heat’s really picked up, hasn’t it?” he asked.

“Yeah…”

Nagito started toying with his water bottle cap. He had finished it awhile ago, but it didn’t seem like he wanted to let go of it just yet.

“Pretty soon, we’ll be seeing the kids going cicada hunting, huh?” he asked.

“Yeah, school is about to end for them soon…”

Nagito looked around a little bit.

“You know, I bought some sea salt ice cream—“

“Did I do something wrong?” I interrupted the man sitting across from me with my soft words.

He gave a “Huh?” in response. I don’t know if it was because he couldn’t hear me or because he didn’t understand.

“If I’ve done s-something wrong, please-e let me know,” I stammered “I can’t…I can’t-t just pretend that everything’s okay…”

Nagito’s mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. That look of alarm was back in his eyes, except with a dash of helplessness.

The silence was too great, and I exploded.

“Hit me, yell at me, insult me! Take out your frustration on me, please!” I cried out “I would rather you treat me cruelly than ignore me! Please, j-just…!”

Before I knew it, I was a crying, blubbering mess. Apologies spilled from my mouth faster than I could stop them. With my hands covering my face, I could hardly hear Nagito behind my echoed sobs. He was definitely protesting the idea of harming me. Other than that, all I could make out was “No…!”. “I’d never think that! I didn’t mean to…”, and “You didn’t do anything...!” Then he said something I never expected to be on the receiving end of “It was all my fault.”

I lifted my head up, my emotions choked up in my throat.

“I’m sorry, Mikan. I was afraid that my luck cycle would harm you. I thought that by avoiding you, I could keep you safe. I figured that maybe if I disciplined myself not to go through with our relationship, you wouldn’t get hurt, but it looks like I managed the exact opposite,” he sighed, sounding genuinely disappointed by himself “I know it’s ridiculous, but I’ve lost a lot of important people because they’ve gotten caught in the bad luck of my cycle: my friends, my parents, my…”

Nagito brought a hand up to his mouth, squinting his eyes a bit. He gulped and then stood up from the table with a huffed “Let me get you some tissue.”

I watched as he approached a counter and took the napkin holder in his hands. He sat in the chair beside me and held me as he wiped my face clean.

“B-But your luck cycle…” I whimpered “I-It can’t be real. It’s j-just a superstition, right?”

Nagito gave a weak laugh “I wish I could say that,” he said “I tried to deny it for years, but you can only ignore something for so long before you accept it as fact.”

When Nagito initially brought up his luck cycle, he was so calm and hopeful about it. I thought that was simply his philosophy in life; that in order to be rewarded, one must go through a trial. But looking at him now, he was nowhere near hopeful. This wasn’t a philosophy that he picked up.

This was a plague on his existence.

Again, he immediately shook off his sadness “Mikan, I don’t blame you if you don’t want to waste time on trash like me. I won’t guilt you for leaving.”

This sudden statement shook me “L-leaving? Leave y-you?”

The man nodded “You deserve better.”

“B-But, I don’t want what’s “better”. I want you,” I argued.

For a moment, Nagito seemed to be at a loss for words. So was I. Again I blushed, and I could see the same happening to Nagito’s pale cheeks.

“But…only if you feel the s-same way…” I said, looking off to the side in embarrassment “I don’t w-want to force you into a relationship.”

Nagito gave another soft laugh through his nose, only much sadder this time “Mikan…of course I want you,” he frowned, closing his eyes “But I’ll only bring you despair.”

I shook my head, a small smile spreading on my face “I’ve known despair for the longest time,” I said “Even though I’ve only known you for little over a month, I can tell that whatever trouble you can give me won’t come anyway near to despair.”

Nagito opened his eyes to look at me again “I don’t understand, I really don’t,” he said “But oddly enough, I’m relieved. Over the years, I’ve gotten so used to letting go of people and being tossed aside by them. I thought I’d finally gotten myself to stop caring…” he sighed “But it looks like part of me still does. And Mikan, you bring up these…peculiar feelings within me.”

I felt myself stiffen and my heart thump heavily.

Nagito ran his pale fingers through his equally pale hair “I can’t figure out what I’d hate myself more for: having my luck cycle hurt you, or never having you.”

I took his hand “Do you want to hear what I think?”

The man’s olive green eyes perked up.

“I think we should take that risk. Let us enjoy our relationship while the good luck is still acting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As complex of a character Nagito is, I noticed that it’s pretty out of character for him to empathize with people. However, in the game, he’s pretty much the only character to stick up for Mikan when she was upset (of course, not counting when she went Ultimate Despair in the class trial). So in this chapter, I tried to keep Nagito’s emotions as close to canon as possible while still keeping in mind his affections for Mikan in this story.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another year, another milestone

“ _Hold up, they don’t love you like I love you. Slow down, they don’t love you like I love you._ ” -Beyoncé.

* * *

The year following that agreement in Nagito’s kitchen was one of the most surreal periods of my life. It was almost magical. There were times where I even questioned if it were all just a wild fantasy.

Most days, Nagito and I would visit each other’s homes and exchange laughably outrageous stories of incidents that we’ve been involved in and witnessed. Mine, of course, stemmed from my clumsy attempts at gaining attention. His stemmed from the odd ways of his luck cycle. I felt strangely comfortable sharing these stories with him as I didn’t fear that I would be harshly judged by him. Somehow, I felt like I was on the same level as him, that because of our similarities, he couldn’t look down upon me. Instead, Nagito understood and even sympathized with me, and I realized that I did the same for him.

It’s true that I’ve met many people in my adult life that had respected me as a person, which I never took for granted. However, deep down, I still felt inferior to them. Even though I know it’s not their intention, their normalcy made me feel…less human. When I go out in public, I feel like everyone is staring at me, picking apart my imperfections and holding them under a magnifying glass, but I don’t feel that scrutiny with Nagito.

He, too, understood what it was like to be the outsider. It was like we were the only two Japanese-speakers in a foreign country. To us, our flaws didn’t make us unappealing. Our wounds didn’t make us a burden. We saw each other for who we were underneath the surface, and we both fell in love with what we saw.

* * *

Neither of us thought to tell anyone about our relationship, but word got around anyway. According to Nagito, Hajime was the first to ask him about it, which Nagito, himself, found strange because he was aware that Hajime didn’t like him very much. Kazuichi was there, too, apparently.

“He seemed pretty surprised at first, but then he started asking a lot of weird questions,” Nagito told me “Like how far we’ve gone and if I’ve slept over here.”

I became flustered upon hearing this, even though I had come to expect this type of behavior from Kazuichi. Although not as troubling as Teruteru, it was easy to imagine the glazed look in Kazuichi’s cherry red eyes and wide toothy grin. He became like a kid in a candy store whenever the topic of intimacy arrived. I noticed, funnily enough, that Nagito seemed to be oblivious to such things.

We didn’t immediately start being intimate upon establishing the relationship. Mariam told me that we should pace ourselves, make sure that our affections for one another were actually romantic and not just platonic. Nagito agreed with this idea when I told him that.

“I’m new to romance, so I don’t mind testing the waters first,” he admitted.

We were already holding hands before we began dating. It just became natural for our hands to nestle in one another. Holding hands escalated into introductory and departing hugs during visits and outings. The first time caught me by surprise, but I didn’t mind it. His frame fit perfectly in my arms, and his scent was warm and crisp like the autumn air.

* * *

“But you stopped there, didn’t you?” questioned Dr. Aiko.

Mikan regrettably nodded, “I was afraid…that…I might lose control…”

The therapist gave her own sympathetic nod as her fingers leaved through her papers “Well, your case of abuse was quite unique, but, unfortunately, not uncommon.”

A tinge of somberness sat behind Dr. Aiko’s words “You know, many patients who experience sexual abuse display the same type of attitude towards intimacy. While they fear it and may want to avoid it, they feel the compulsion to be promiscuous and actively seek out sexual attention. That compulsion usually comes from conditioning from the abuser rather than actual desire.”

Dr. Aiko then leaned forward “Mikan, can you tell me what exactly you fear by giving into sexual urges?”

The pale woman knit her brows together in a frown, staring down at her lap as she pondered the question. What _did_ she fear? It was her choice now. She was free to make her own decisions now, but still…

“I’m afraid of being…disgusting,” her hands covered her eyes in shame, even though no tears were forming “That if I show my body to someone again…I’ll be laughed at…degraded…mocked.”

Dr. Aiko’s pen worked to capture every last word that dropped from Mikan’s lips. Her unbiased expression masked the sorrow and discomfort that she felt for the woman.

* * *

COCSA was what they called it.

It stands for “Child on Child Sexual Abuse”.

I just thought it was normal bullying, the kind one would expect in school, the kind that I deserved for being such a nuisance. Being forced to do humiliating things like imitating animals or eating insects was not uncommon for victims of bullying where I had lived. What made my case stand out was that my bullies only ever asked me to strip before doing such acts.

We were too young to see these stunts as anything more than perverted hijinks often portrayed playfully in anime. Even though I had never heard of things like “sexual violence” or “rape culture”, the bullying still humiliated me.

When the teachers would stumble upon the scene, the bullies would pretend that I had stripped on my own. Naturally, this had shaken the teachers, even more so when it became a trend.

I remember being taken to the school counselor and being asked a lot of questions. We went back and forth between discussing the bullies and my home life. At first, I tried to deny any wrongdoings on anybody’s part, but I was apparently the talk of the school. Everybody talked about my bullying as though it were some kind of joke. 

To such young kids, it _was_ nothing but a joke. So when my bullies were harshly punished, I was shocked. When there was a school assembly about the issue, I was shaken. When my family was called, I cried.

I remember my mother blaming me for getting bullied, and telling me that I probably did it for attention. I remember because it was one of the few times she had actually spoken to me.

* * *

Although Nagito and I weren’t romantically intimate yet, we had found our own ways to fill in that gap. Somehow, we bonded well when we did each other’s hair. It initially started with me curiously running my hands through his cotton white locks. Later, it evolved to Nagito full-out combing and braiding my hair. He said he had always liked the idea of doing someone’s hair and following online hair tutorials for them.

His hands were gentle, yet curious. The feeling of his lithe fingers grazing across my scalp relaxed me so much, I almost felt sleepy. I had already told him long ago about the odd lengths of my hair and the bullies who cut it, so it didn’t come as a surprise to him to feel one lock of hair suddenly come to a short halt.

“Bullies truly are despicable,” he said “But I read a quote somewhere that said “Deep in your wounds are seeds waiting to grow beautiful flowers.” People like bullies don’t realize that they’re actually creating more opportunities for hope to flourish.”

I smiled “I-I’ve heard quotes like that before…My therapist taught me that i-instead of clinging onto trauma…you could use it as a learning experience…o-or to strengthen yourself.”

“You know, Mikan, you seem to have a good history with therapy,” commented Nagito “Does it really work?”

“Oh yes…!” I chirped “Sometimes, i-it takes a few tries to find a good match…but when you do, it’s really worth it in the end!”

I heard Nagito hum in thought behind me. His interest always piqued whenever the topic of therapy came up.

My behavior made it apparent to most people that I had some health issues. Unlike my patients at Hopes Peak Hospital, my illness was in my mind, and only a therapist could dissect it and remove the tumor responsible.

I unintentionally told Nagito about my anxiety when I was apologizing for my odd behavior. As always, he told me that there was no need to apologize. However, ever since then, his focus seemed to be fixed on the prospect of therapy.

“Hey, Mikan,” he started as he moved on to make another braid “I’ve been thinking a lot about therapy and how it’s helped you battle your past despair. I figured that maybe I could try, too.”

For the most part, I was caught by surprise. Sure, Nagito was awkward in social situations, but he didn’t seem troubled. Even his kidnapping didn’t seem to upset him. For that, I considered Nagito to be a very strong person, someone who could take disaster with a shrug and anticipate for a brighter future.

“Y-You…really?” I questioned “If you don’t m-mind me asking…what for?”

Nagito gave a sigh and said “I’m content with where I am, but I feel like there’s a way to live better. My hope is that this therapy could help me better accept the despairs in life.”

I, myself, sighed in relief “Oh, thank goodness,” I said “For a moment there…I was afraid you had some u-unresolved trauma. I-I’ve met some people who just use therapy to vent about daily stresses, too.”

“Yeah, and it seems like getting advice from a trained professional would be the best way to go about it,” replied Nagito.

* * *

And I believed him.

I believed that everything was alright in Nagito’s mind. I was happy to believe that he was at peace.

Oh, how it hurt to hear that that wasn’t the case.

I still wonder to this day “Nagito, why did you smile through the pain?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though Mikan has anxiety, she also has some level of stereotypes towards the mentally ill (Blame mainstream media.), so she assumes that anyone who is mentally ill blatantly displays it through their behavior. Since Nagito seems generally happy most of the time, she’s assuming that he’s not mentally ill. Her assumptions, not mine.
> 
> Side note! I’m really not a big fan of promos, but I’d really appreciate it if you guys could check out Fleur Girls, Real Life Vocaloid, or W.I.N.G.S. Those are my biggest and most important stories, and I think that if you like my writing in Take Care, you might enjoy these works even more. Ido a much better job at original stories than I do with fan fiction. So if you were to read any of the three and give me some feedback, I would GREATLY appreciate it. Thank you!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve learned recently that writing a stutter in a dialogue isn’t supposed to be portrayed as “st-stuttering,” but with pauses and repetition of words. But since Mikan’s dialogue is written that way in the game, I’ll just try to incorporate both. Sorry if this gets on your nerves as a stutterer.

I can’t remember if I was necessarily surprised or not when Nagito told me that he had behavioral variant frontotemporal dementia. On one hand, I had witnessed many people with odd behaviors and tics that had no signs of mental disability. On the other hand, though, my experience in the medical field made Nagito’s behavior stick out to me more than it would to the average person. For one, his inability to read the atmosphere was easily dismissed by others as him being insensitive, but I knew that wasn’t the case.

I’ve spent time with Nagito, and I know that it’s not just other people’s feelings he’s out of touch with. It’s his own.

“I have to admit, Mikan, sometimes I don’t know why I do certain things,” he told me once as we were lazily star-gazing one night.

“Didn’t you say it...it was to keep your luck cycle in order?” I asked him “To make sure that y-you save the best outcome for the right time?”

Nagito bit his lip “Yeah…but…” his pause was filled in with the summer cicadas singing their harmonious lullaby around us “I’m not so sure sometimes. I want to believe it because that’s what makes the most sense, but…”

He then stretched his arms above his head, as if pulling off his worry like a clingy sweater “Ah, forget I said any of that. I’m just getting sleepy.”

And I did, for his dignity. As someone who’s said a number of embarrassing, over-the-top things that I wish I could take back, I wanted to give Nagito the respect of not digging any deeper. I feel so ditzy for not thinking about it any further. That should have been the nail in the coffin since his other symptoms were so minute.

He was compulsive in his speech and often said too much. This never bothered me, but he admitted that it’s gotten him into trouble in the past.

I knew many outspoken people both within my neighborhood and at work. Friends like Kazuichi, Akane, and Teruteru were extremely outspoken. But the difference between them and Nagito was that Nagito says he can’t stop himself from speaking openly. If you "can't stop" doing something, that's more than just a funny quirk.

Nagito wasn’t just compulsive in speaking, but in even the minor things. Sometimes he would get up at odd hours of the night to go do random tasks such as doing chores or running errands.

“I couldn’t sleep until it was done,” or “I woke up thinking about it,” was usually his reasoning.

At first, I thought he was just a go-getter, but the tired darkness beneath his eyes told me that he didn’t much enjoy these urges.

When I stayed over at his house one day and saw his shelves lined with stimulation toys and trinkets, I had reached the conclusion that he was on the autism spectrum. I even wondered if his distain towards noisy places was due to overstimulation of the senses. It’s funny how two completely different medical conditions can share so many similarities: loss of insight into the behaviors of oneself and others, inappropriate social behavior, poor impulse control and judgement, apathy, loss of empathy, mental rigidity, repetitive compulsive behavior. It was all there in the medical book, memorized and rehearsed. Yet I easily mistaken one for the other. 

Nagito gave a soft laugh “ _It’s kinda embarrassing admitting all of this,_ ” his voice said through the phone receiver “ _Especially to the girl you like._ ”

“It’s o-okay! Really!” I hopped up onto my knees in my bed. I couldn’t contain my bashfulness at being called “ _the girl he liked_ ,” but I wanted to stay on topic and hear the rest of his appointment “Do...do you like your therapist? Is he nice?”

“ _Yeah, Dr. Hogai seems like a really good match. He’s experienced with extreme cases of trauma and emotional things, so I figured someone like him would be a good person to talk to._ ”

And there it was again; his compulsive speech. Without even thinking, he had so blatantly and openly said something jarring, and most likely, something he didn't intend to reveal.

“H-Huh?! Nagito, you…I thought you said you didn’t h-have any trauma,” I stammered.

“ _I don’t. I mean, I’ve experienced a lot of tragedies, but I was never traumatized by them_ ,” he defended “ _I just think that with how wild these tragedies were, someone like him would be best suited to talk to about it. I don't think someone who's been kidnapped and had his parents killed should be talking to a therapist just dealing with generalized anxiety, y'know what I mean?_ ”

I was hesitant to believe that, but I said “W-well…I guess that’s true.”

Another soft laugh “ _See? There’s no need to worry about me, Mikan!_ ”

“Right, right…” a gave a soft laugh of my own.

“ _Well, my lunch break is over, so I have to get back to work. I love you._ ”

Despite having exchanged “I love you’s” at the end of phone calls for a while now, my cheeks still heated up “L-Love you too, Nagi. I’ll see you later!”

We hung up and Monomi climbed into my lap. Now that we were dating, Nagito didn’t have to keep the rabbit cooped up in her cage to keep her from making a mess while he wasn’t home. Her water bottle must have been empty.

I stood up from the soft carpet and went to grab the instructions Nagito had placed on the refrigerator with a magnet. As I prepared everything, Monomi followed my every step. There were a few times when her soft fur or whiskers tickled my ankles and caused me to make a mistake. In the end, I had to go back and wipe the counter top clean of the water I spilled.

Just then, my cellphone rang from the living room. The ringtone was Ibuki’s.

Leaving the towel on the small puddle of water remaining, I went back and answered the call.

“Hello?”

“ _Hey Mikan, I’m outside! Could you open the door?_ ”

“Outside…? W-Where?”

“ _On the front porch, silly! Didn’t you hear the doorbell?_ ”

Then I realized what was happening, and I couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“ _What’s up? You said you were off today_ ,” questioned Ibuki.

“I am. Nagito a-asked me to…to babysit his rabbit while he was at work today,” I explained.

Ibuki gasped “ _No way! He has a rabbit?! Wait, you’re at his house?!_ ”

I didn’t understand why either fact surprised her so much, nor which fact she found the most surprising.

“Yes…” I answered “S-Sorry…I won’t be able to hang out today.”

“ _Nah, it’s okay, Mikan! We could meet some other time,_ ” reassured Ibuki “ _See ya, ‘round!_ ”

* * *

Dr. Aiko lifted her gaze from her notebook after regarding the last statement she had just written down.

“That’s very interesting…” she mused “The way Nagito used the phrase “You don’t have to worry about me,” that is.”

Mikan played with the frayed tips of her plum-colored hair as she blushed “Yes, he always wanted to keep my anxiety from flaring up,” she said sweetly.

“Indeed, but that only seems to be one side of the coin,” said Dr. Aiko.

The patient’s smile fell into worry.

“It looks like he only used that phrase whenever you two discussed his mental health, and that it would often be used to end the discussion,” Dr. Aiko wiggled her pen between her fingers, trying to gather her thoughts “Mikan, I do honestly think that he didn’t want to trouble you, but I also think that in a way, he was trying to undermine his problems.”

The therapist then tapped the top of her notebook with her pen “Especially with what you said happened afterwards.”

* * *

“Look at y-your mommy, sweetie! Isn’t she pretty?”

Once the child turned his head, I carefully slid the needle into his arm. Even with his mom and I cooing and consoling him, he still cried. It broke my heart every time, but there was nothing that could be done about it. Even some adults don’t get over the pinch of a needle.

“It’s okay, Yu, I’m here,” the mom patted her son’s head and nestled him in her small bosom.

When I was all done, I pressed a colorful bandage to his chubby arm “You’re such a brave boy, Yu…! That medicine w-will fix you up in no time. Your arm might be a little itchy, but…but try not to scratch too much at the band-aid, okay?”

The little boy tried to wipe his tears as he hiccuped an "okay", and a few more spilled out.

It was times like this that I wish I didn’t have this stutter. Trying to comfort and reassure a crying child wasn’t very effective when you sound nervous and unsure like me.

The mother thanked me graciously for the treatment and left to take her son home.

The doctor I was working under that day patted my back for helping him with one last patient despite my shift ending half an hour earlier. Had he worked alone, the job would have taken twice as long.

I remember back when I was a child, my reason for wanting to nurse people was selfish. Back then, I had taken advantage of people's pain to feel like some kind of savior. Even though that selfishness was born from abuse, I cringed every time it resurfaced in my memory. I wanted to admonish that young Mikan, but I knew she was just hurt and afraid.

“ _I still like to be seen as useful, but saving people from their pain is a thousand times more important!_ ”

I thought this was I signed myself out, satisfied with how my thoughts sounded without the stutter.

Because of the last minute patient, I didn’t have time to tell Nagito that I would be late leaving work. Since he had a car, he had offered to drive me home. That irrational part of me worried that my tardiness had become too much of a burden and he had gone home already, but when I went outside, his car still sat on the curb.

Elated, I bounced down the concrete steps, causing me to trip and fall clumsily at the last step.

This caught Nagito’s attention and he opened his door to help me up “There you are!” he laughed “Are you okay?”

“Ye-yeah,” I said “Sorry I was late. There was another pa…” When I touched Nagito’s hand, my finger got caught in a piece of rubber.

Looking down, I saw there were a few red rubber bands encased around his wrist.

“Oops, I’ll get that,” Nagito untangled my finger from the bands “I was so busy with paperwork today, I must’ve taken a few of these by mistake. Oh well, if Aoi can turn a paperclip into a fashionable hair accessory, I can make rubber bands a decent bracelet!”

At that, we both laughed, and I could have sworn that Nagito’s laugh sounded almost nervous and frantic.

I was known for overanalyzing things, so I refrained myself from making any assumptions about it.

Another sign missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a head’s up: This story is from Mikan’s point of view, but the next chapter is gonna be 100% Nagito-centric. It might be in first or third person, but hey, just letting you know things are about to get intense.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since it's been a while since I've last updated, let me remind you that this chapter will have really sensitive material.

Snap.

I let the elastic band slap against my wrist, putting a red line on my pale skin for a few seconds. It barely hurt, at least, in comparison to what it was supposed to replace.

"You seem like you're a bit on edge, today," observed Dr. Hogai, "I don't mean to put you on the spot or anything, but I couldn't help but notice you snapping your rubber band again."

He wasn't the stereotypical image of the wise old man who seemed have the knowledge of an oracle. No, Dr. Hogai was a sturdy, dark-haired family man with a blunt way of speaking and a laid-back sense of humor. Most people wouldn't look at him and think he handled cases like mine, but he could prove the naysayers wrong with ease.

"Sorry doc," I said, retracting my fingers, "Work was a bit…rough today."

"No need to apologize. I gave you those bands just for this sort of thing," said Dr. Hogai, "So, what exactly happened at work?"

I sighed, glancing down at my darkened fingertips "We had an ink spill today, and a lot of documents that Hajime and I were in charge of got damaged."

I could still remember that mixture of irritation and anxiety on his face when it happened, and how the sticky ink clung to my hands when I tried to stop it.

Dr. Hogai grimaced, sharing my pain, "That must've sucked."

Normally, his blunt sympathy would have brought a smile to my face, but I hadn't yet told him the full extent of the situation.

"Yeah, but that's not the worse of it," I said, "That was the fourth time this month that my bad luck flared, and our chief had finally lost his patience."

As always, I tried to keep my tone from getting too morose. It wasn't the end of the world; no need to say it like it was.

This time, Dr. Hogai rolled his eyes, "You mean Chief Yo- _kuso_."

Isao Yokuto was my CIO, though, as one could tell by the way Dr. Hogai addresses him, the chief never had any friendly encounters with me that I could recall.

At first, he was skeptical of even letting our boss hire me because of my dementia. He said hiring me would be "no different from hiring a senile old man". Despite being older than me by at least seven years, he even referred to me as "old man" during my first few weeks on the job, sometimes even using my white hair as an extra insult. Regardless, I took his jabs lightly. Sometimes, I even agreed with him and insulted myself, to which he would respond by calling me a freak.

"It really wasn't a pretty picture," I told Dr. Hogai, "First, he lost his temper at Hajime, and started to scold him in front of the entire office. So I stepped in and took the fall."

"But was it really your fault?"

"It was neither of our faults, actually," I said, "The printer just sorta exploded when we turned our backs. I don't even know if they'll be able to fix it."

The therapist squinted in bemusement, "So if the printer malfunctioned by itself, what did you tell the chief?" he asked.

"I said not to blame Hajime, and that if it was anyone's fault, it was probably mine," I said, "It wasn't really my intention to  _say_  it was my fault. I just didn't want Hajime to get punished for something my luck cycle had started."

"So did you tell Yo-Kuso it was your luck cycle?"

I bit my lip, "No, I'm not…fully comfortable telling someone like Chief Yokuto that."

Dr. Hogai snorted, "I can see why."

"All I told him was that the printer exploded when we were on the other side of the room looking for another file," I continued, "When I said that, Chief yelled at me for not being attentive enough."

"Tch, as if you're supposed to just be standing there  _staring_  at the printer while it works?" scoffed Dr. Hogai, "This guy is ridiculous."

"It got more intense when he called me retarded," Snap, "The boss, Fuyuhiko walked in at that exact moment, and really told him off…"

"You snapped your wristband."

"Huh?"

"You snapped it when you mentioned Yo-kuso calling you retarded."

Again, my fingers stretched towards the rubber, but slithered back into my jacket sleeve.

"I'm not too fond of that word," I told him.

It reminded me of  _her_.

* * *

"Come on, Nagito, don't be such a retard!"

The foul-mouthed blonde ahead of Nagito was no older than he was, punctuated by her incorrect usage of the slur. She had clearly heard it from the older kids. Something like "slowpoke" or "straggler" would have been much more appropriate for their situation.

The two children had been maneuvering through the dense forest for a while now. They were used to it, as Junko tended to get bored easily during recess. She would wait until the overseers weren't looking and then sneak off with Nagito. They had a lot of kids to watch over, and they wouldn't notice if two were gone for a few minutes.

"I'm coming! Wait!" the little boy panted as he climbed over fallen logs and prickly bushes.

Though, he tripped and fell over when his the cuff of his shorts caught on a particularly tall bush.

Junko groaned in an exaggerated manner and reluctantly slinked back to the fallen boy, "Ugh, what am I gonna do with you?" she whined.

She yanked Nagito up to his feet by the arm as he chuckled. He wasn't like other kids who would cry when they fell. He would laugh it off, which Junko always found amusing. Sometimes, she would push him just to see him laugh.

* * *

"I've noticed, lately, that you've actually started to take offense to people mistreating you," said Dr. Hogai, "I remember you telling me just a few weeks ago that these encounters with Chief Yo-kuso didn't bother you."

"Wait…really?"

* * *

Junko's parents ran the cult, so it wasn't like they minded her occasionally sneaking off or breaking a few rules here and there. If they did, she would receive the proper punishment that any child did. A good scolding, maybe even a few whacks of the paddle, depending on how bad the "crime" was.

* * *

I guess ever since Mikan gave me a sense of self-worth, I was actually able to feel a sense of injustice as well.

It's like not being able to feel anything all your life, and suffering injury after injury without realizing that you're supposed to be, well, suffering. Then suddenly, you can feel, and all of those injuries and wounds start burning and aching. For the first time in your life, you feel pain.

Dr. Hogai set his ankle on top of his other knee, "I think I see what's going on," he said, "This may seem like it's getting worse because you're hurting, Nagito, but this is actually progress."

* * *

All of the families were rich. No one ever found out where that money came from, but many were convinced that was one of the main reasons families joined. Members would only wear the clothes that were designed for them. They were like uniforms in terms of likeness, but they were very pristine and made of expensive fabrics.

Grey shorts, black knee socks, and red bowties for the young boys. Black overall dresses, white ankle socks, and black dress shoes for the young girls. Not much changed for the adults' attire expect for an extension in the length of the bottoms.

"Nagito, how did you get this tear in your trousers?" the wavy-haired woman asked as she inspected her son's dirt-speckled black shorts.

"Uhm…" the young boy rocked back and forth on his heels, thinking of a good lie, something he was never good at "I tripped and fell at recess."

"On what?" the mother's tone wasn't accusatory in the slightest, just curious.

Nagito looked down at his socked feet.

"I dunno…" the typical response of a five-year-old.

The mother smiled; she was used to him being accident-prone.

"Hand me the thread and needle, sweetie," she requested, "I'll teach you how to stitch up your clothes in case I'm not around."

* * *

I held my head, which felt heavy and flooded with conflicted thoughts, "This…is all really confusing for me," I said.

"That's okay, Nagito. If you want to, we can set that aside for later," Dr. Hogai flipped back through his notebook.

Sometimes, I would ask to skip to a new topic when I got stuck on another one. It really seemed a lot more natural for me to let my mind flow wherever it could instead of trying to milk an answer.

"Last week, we ran out of time before you could tell me more about the cult you were in," Dr. Hogai said as his silver eyes scanned the paper.

"Ah yes," I unintentionally looked over to the plant beside me. Out of all of the tragedies in my life, that was the hardest one to talk about.

* * *

They didn't have a name, and they certainly weren't well-known. Not even their location rested on its members' tongues. It was as if they were on another planet entirely because no one on Earth knew of their presence.

They were set to believe that life was balanced out by hope and despair, that happiness can only be achieved through tragedy, and that some people were destined to bear those tragedies for the sake of others. That's where his role was placed.

Nagito Komaeda was one of the infants born during what they predicted to be a Lucky Year, the year that they would be bestowed with their versions of prophets.

Children who were born during the Lucky Year would be trained to harvest the balance between hope and despair. This was done by having the cult members orchestrate events of despair around the prophetic children to build their hope. They believed that if the child's hope was strong enough, they would be blessed with good fortune afterwards.

This is was what they called the Luck Cycle.

The young boy sobbed into his small, soft hands. His knees were swallowed by the itchy grass, but he didn't care.

The bloodied men stepped away from the still form that was once his beloved pet. They all walked past Nagito with indifferent gazes, their minds solely focused on cleaning their uniforms and heading to the dining hall for their scheduled supper. However, one of the men knelt down beside Nagito, patting his shoulder.

"It's okay, my child. Your despair now will lay a great foundation for hope," said the elder man, "Stay strong and keep your hope."

* * *

"Was Junko one of the children chosen as a prophet?" asked Dr. Hogai.

"No," I answered, "She just…had a weird fixation with despair."

"Did she enjoy seeing you and the other prophetic kids suffer?"

I swallowed thickly. She did; that's why I hated her.

Junko was different from the rest of the cult. She fell in love with despair, not the balance it held with hope, but at the same time…

* * *

"Nagito, do you love me?" the little blonde lilted as she twirled her skirt around.

The young boy blushed furiously and gulped "Y-Yes…" he said.

Junko squealed and clapped her hands around Nagito's, "This is perfect! You'll be a great asset in creating hope!"

Again, the girl was repeating a statement overheard by the adults, but to Nagito's ears, it was like a crown being placed on his head.

"Really?!" the boy cheered, bouncing slightly in his step.

"Yes! All I need you to do…" Junko pulled out a razor blade from her breast pocket, "…is prove to me how much despair you're willing to endure."

* * *

Snap.

The rubber band clapped right against an old scar. I remembered when Junko guided my hand with the blade, and how I watched complacently without protest.

"So Nagito, you admit that this luck cycle was a mindset implanted by the cult," Dr. Hogai put his foot back down and leaned forward, "In that case, why do you still believe in it?"

He usually leaned forward like that when he was preparing himself to really pick my brain, or, at least when he was very invested in what I had to say next.

"Because I think there's some truth to it," I said "There was another girl there. I think her name was Taeko…Yasuhiro, maybe? She was one of the members that didn't exactly buy into what we were taught. Even around the time we were in middle school she thought about escaping the cult…"

* * *

"The way they're treating you guys is unfair," the dark-haired girl said as she eyed the bruised and injured peers before her, one of which being Nagito.

"But, it'll be worth it in the end, right?" said a boy holding up a bandage that threatened to slip off "We're building up our hope, so that we can bring in good fortune to ourselves and the world!"

Taeko scoffed, "Come on, you don't actually think you can control luck, do you?"

"Well, that's the point of the luck cycle," meekly commented Nagito.

Taeko twirled her hair "That's just about the only thing the adults got right," she said "You see, there are only two types of luck: good and bad. There is no in-between. And that luck is built into every human at the moment of conception. Like a computer program. Some call it fate. The bottom line is, luck is life…" she leaned in and lowered her voice "And you have no say in how it controls you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isao Yokuto is another original background character, and I'm sure as many of you who watch subbed anime know, "kuso" is a general Japanese profanity word that mainly means "shit" or "fuck". The cult's uniforms are the same ones that the Monokuma Kids wore in Ultra Despair Girls. I read some Reddit stories about cult survivors and it's not the spooky-blood-sacrifice-demon-summoning trope we see in horror. Sometimes, it's just for power and manipulation's sake.

**Author's Note:**

> Time for some disclaimers:  
> Dr. Aiko is a minor OC (who is totally not Jhene Aiko or anything pfft what no-)  
> Magnolia Girls and The Maid are just fictional titles I ripped-off Golden Girls and The Nanny.  
> Yokoyama is a fictional Japanese town (I use a lot of fictional towns in my works).


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